My Superman...

 आज कल दुविधा के एक गुब्बारे में खुद को क़ैद पाती हूँ! 
 वैसे life कभी भी, वो क्या कहतें हैं crystal clear  नही थी, पर सर पे एक हाथ था I

 हाथ थोड़ा कमज़ोर था, पर एक बच्चे से सॉफ और ज़िद्दी ईमान ने हमें कभी भी उस कमज़ोरी का एहसास  नही  होने दिया I

बब्बा.. लिखते हुए भी आँखे नम हो जाती हैं.. पर एक अजीब सा सुकून भी मिलता है..

ऐसा लगता है जैसे सब कुछ उतना ही simple  है, जितनी बब्बा की life थी I

आज जब उनके बारे में सोचती हूँ, तो फिल्मों की तरह बहुत philosophical  और ज्ञानी बातें याद नहीं आती..  he was never the man/ husband /father who preached, but was clear on how he wished to conduct his existence and that made my father, all of 45 Kgs, the strongest man I know. 

बचपन की गुड़िया बहुत ढीठ थी.. आज भी ज़यादा कुछ बदला नहीं. Since an apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, me and Babba were the torch-bearers of being stubborn. बब्बा ने कभी मेरी ज़िद्द को बाँधने की कोशिश नही की, पर मुझे ज़िद्द और reality के संतुलन का पाठ पढ़ाया I

मेरी ज़िद्द थी स्कूल के बाद दिल्ली जाने की,  but he made that a quest, something that i earned, a milestone that makes me feel good about myself till date. मुझे आज तक याद हैं जैसे उन्होने बाकी parents की तरह मेरी कोई मदद नही की, मैने फॉर्म्स दिल्ली से मंगाए, उनको खुद भरा, पोस्ट किया, दिल्ली में लोगो से request करके फॉर्म्स submit  करवायें I उन दीनो इंटरनेट का वर्षस्व आज की तरह नहीं फेला हुआ था, लोग एक दूसरों से बात करतें थे I 

First list निकल आई और मेरी एक फ्रेंड दिल्ली मैं थी तो उसने मुझे बताया की I made it to three colleges out of the four that I applied to, I was overjoyed, अब हमको counselling और final admission के लिए दिल्ली जाना था I 

I remember telling him, 'I have made it this far without you, but now you have to come for my admission', he showed  no visible sign of happiness and just uttered softly.. 'we will need reservations, come lets go',  फिर वो मुझे टिकेट करवाने के लिए एक shady सी जगह ले गये, जहाँ मेरी फ्रेंड्स के parents  उन्हे कभी सपने में भी नही लेके गये होंगे. 

I squirmed at the sight of it, hating him even more. Oblivious to everything he told me 'get that form, fill it and stand in this queue', putting some money in my hand... 'I am standing in that corner if you need me for anything.' Lighting his cigarette he stood with a nonchalance that was characteristic of him when it was just him and his nicotine. 

मैं जून की गर्मी में खड़ी रही, वो भी चुपचाप साइड मैं सिग्रटते पीते रहे, हमें RAC की टिकेट मिली और हम घर वापस आ गये I यह ट्रेन का सफ़र हमारा पहला और शायद एकलौता सफ़र था जिसमे बस मैं और बब्बा थे I I don't have any recollections from the journey , because we didn't talk much, we never have, but one image that is vivid is both of us huddled in one berth (the top one.. yes he could climb it easily in 2002).  आज सोचेतीं हूँ की उनके दिमाग़ में क्या चल रहा होगा, was he ready to send me away? Did he have the money to afford my studies? But he said nothing .. that was him... he never burdened us with what he thought of our life decisions .. he always somehow led us to find our own ways.. and was always around with an unimpressed smile on his face and a cigarette in his hand. 

Finally मेरा अड्मिशन हो गया और मैं दिल्ली आ गयी, आने के कुछ महीने पहले मैं जब घर में अकेली थी और माँ नानी के यहाँ गयी थी, मैने चुपचाप बब्बा की whisky taste की थी,  and like an honest daughter I told him about it, and he just asked me did you like it?  बब्बा ने जब मुझे दिल्ली में छोड़ा तो जाने से पहले बोला की तुमने इस बार खाली ज़िद नही की.. पर उस ज़िद को पूरा करने की मेहनत भी की है, यह याद रखना की me and Maa work very hard to give you this life, don't take this for granted, and one more thing I know one day you will start drinking, ensure that you earn that money before you spend it on these things, I trust you to not spend my money on it.This is what he told an impressionable 18 year old girl planning to live alone in a BIG city. He was a quiet man but he was one of the most progressive man i know, unlike stereotypes that plague the so called "small city" people. 

My father may have not been a lot of things, but he taught me the biggest lessons in life. He taught me the difference between being stubborn and being difficult, he taught me to experience the pride in proving one's stubbornness. Being alone in the hostel came easy to me.. it was like he prepared me for it; I could go and figure out how to open my bank account, l learnt how to use a debit card on my own, and guess what I took my friends to the reservation counter and taught everyone how to book tickets before holidays. 

एक और वाक़या यहाँ बताने लायक है, जब कॉलेज में पहला break मिला तो सब घर जाने को तैयार हुए, जायदा त्तर parents ने AC bookings  करवाई since its safer for girls and all that jazz. But as predicted your's truly was booked in sleeper class and was slightly ashamed of it. I thought my father would make up for it by picking me up from the station like all 'normal parents' did.  जैसा की आप ठीक समझें होंगे मुझे लेने कोई नहीं आया और बब्बा ने बोला बेटा विक्रम लेके घर आ जाओ ...   and of course I was infuriated to see him still sleeping with no visible excitement as I came back for the first time. Oh god how he tortured me !!!! 

पर जब  मेरे वापस जाने का दिन आया ...बब्बा मुझे as usual  स्टेशन ट्रेन जाने के एक घंटें पहले ही ले आए, and the man didn't move an inch till the train didn't disappear, didn't talk but kept standing. Since then it was an established code... I would always come home on my own, but he will always drop me back and will stand there till the time he could not spot the train any longer. I am not sure why he did that, maybe there was no reason behind it. Today when I try and decipher it actually symbolizes our relationship with him..he always let us decide when we wanted to come to him hence ensured that we took responsibility of it, but once we were in his turf for those 10 days,one month we were again his responsibility, his little kids who he had to take care of, and that's exactly what he did. 

Babba... he created us, and there is no bigger power than creation BUT he never abused his power over us. 

He may not look like a superhero, but I have no qualms in calling him our Superman who always knew that with great power comes greater responsibility. 

आज वो हाथ तो सर पे नहीं हैं 

पर उसकी परछाईयाँ ज़रूर हैं 

दुख बहुत है की कुछ जायदा ही जल्दी चले गये तुम बब्बा ...

पर तुम्हे हर काम पूरा करने की जल्दी भी तो कितनी रहती थी 

यह तुम्हारा ही अशिर्वाद ही है की इतने दुख और अफ़सोस के बाद भी मुझे नींद आज भी सुकून की आती है I

For a man of very few words this is a long post, because despite his silence he taught so many lessons.. lessons which have made me a reasonably tolerable human being. 

Never said this to him, because we have never been an expressive family .. I love you Babba, and I miss you terribly and I safely assume for my own happiness that i was your favorite person in this world.